30 Nov 2011
by jianda monique
in Connection, General Ji
So, every day is a starting over, and each thought either renews or dies daily. Not sure of your next step? Why wait? Just walk. Or crawl. Or Think.
Illness and idiosyncrasies made the loves of my life improbable, but not impossible. Still here, at least for today.
Phoenixes, and resuscitations and reiterations, reclamations, new blogs, new personas, new experimentations, just dipping the toe in the water, is it enough?
Yes, for me, it is enough. I am e n o u g h. What’s that mean on tha’ daily, though?
I’ve had a fair bit of time in my own “vessel” of sorts, enough to realize what I’m doing is perfecting the art of existence. There is no bigger picture. I was heartbroken when I realized I wasn’t quite the right puzzle piece for Ichiban. That same awkwardness that began in my stomach and made its way to the day to day, made functioning in the day to day, beyond the basics, so difficult. So Ichiban slips through my hands.
Who wants to hear songs about that pain and trying-to-find? So, I help others–those who ask–to find their day to day. Thinking, then, perhaps this is my purpose.
That same awkwardness and efforting is what made the person from that last relationship lose confidence in the inner genius that is mine, so quickly and wastefully. I’m so grateful, so grateful that my art of existence brought that truth to light, sooner than later. It’s not a crime to be a creative–it’s the kind of permanent record those with no imagination *wish* they could have!
Gaga goes beyond such in-house criticism and lives to tell the tale. I find myself renewed and, yes, again grateful.
But am I an Amazon of awesomeness like MotherMonster?
After this vessel meditation, all I can see is it’s my job to heal. Simply, plainly, in one state, or the other. And it’s my healing that helps. I fashion myself like an Etsy artist with my little bits of music, a song here, a song there, whittle and work, hum and coo. My “audience” is usually a kind soul who admires the song, feels a breath of peace and calm for the 3-5 minutes, or for the 30 minute set, two hour set, says thanks and takes the experience back into life. My art, then, is more like the craftmaker, the whittler. It’s an amazing revelation to use the analogy with my music, and perhaps too my writing. Freeing indeed.
Beyond that, my little sonic tsotchkes I cannot say what I’m to do. And what else are we here for, but the day to day? No matter how much we plan, this moment, just right now is all that’s promised. I know love lives forever, and that’s a promise.
Lady Gaga, so bold to talk about shame. And a video about the worst day of her life? Come on now, what’s not to just adore about such courage? I love my songs about my hearts and flowers, and love that lingers. Without kissing my shadows and shame, my absolute mortification, there’s no renewal. The Death card ain’t really about death. Suicidal? We all die, someday. So now what? What does that *really* mean?
Escaping into fantasy, yes. Tending to the reasons why one does this? Better yet. So that there’s no artifice about it. Why does the farmer paint his barn? Why does your grandma wear a wig?
So my experiment in living, just for today, is to do it…Just the Tweet.
Her words, were basically Tweet length. (Paraphrased) “Hey Man, I’m just a rock star.”
The little day to day thoughts that are passed back and forth, little enlightenment, dares to wonder, ponder, and even retract, that little sharing of ideas, bold statements, these ideas are little doses of courage. Courage to laugh, to wonder, to ponder, to send and receive respect, to reflect…
…there’s something in my path to healing in that Twitter dojo. Perhaps I’ll see you there. Find you on the road.
So here’s this little monster, putting her paws up, healing alongside you. If nothing else, I know that’s what I’m supposed to do.
~
Muse Along With Me.
xo,
Jianda Monique
(♥)(♥)(♥)
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